today is august 10th 2025. i wrote the entry June 7th 2025. that was 64 days ago. (also i didn’t spell check sorry!)
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this entry feels long awaited, i kept writing this in my head over the past 2 weeks. it felt like each day i was trying to find the hidden ink in the pockets of my mind so i could come to you prepared my dear reader, a full pen in hand.
i walked 6 miles the other day. to those that know me, this is a BIG deal. in the past, a 12 minute walk seemed excruciating. now i’m walking, no headphones, just straight pondering.
my best friend is in Afghanistan right now. the time difference means we cant text 24/7. sometimes the only text we send is “i love you” at random parts of our day each text sent 12 hours apart. i feel like its our way of saying “i thought of you all day even when we aren’t talking.” a sentiment i share with many i think.
but by some chance i was on mile 4 and she picked up. i admired the pollen falling like snow and i cried on the phone call. happy tears. “i lived to tell the tale” i told her through the phone. i lived to tell the tale.
life is sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo weird. a lot of it confuses me so i guess i can focus on what i do know. i know i am better, dare i say i am good? ofc i will most likely fall into a deep deep despair when i get on my period but that’s a future me battle. the past couple weeks have been good. i feel like i finally see the horizon, the clouds have parted and the storm is far enough where i can see it behind me, not in-front of me.
i’m trying really hard to be committed to myself. and sure 6 miles is a great accomplishment but i had to start really small. small enough where i was searching for a reason to get out of bed and the only one i could come up with “if i don’t get up now moms gonna get mad” and that was the most i could do that whole day. yes i tried my best to maintain my 5 prayers and Quran, but i never wanted to leave my bed. i felt alone, i still do but now i chose to be alone in some way. i think. idk.
my thoughts are all over the place but thats regular fr
what’s the reputation i give myself? what reputation do you give yourself?
“Bushra people think of you and they think of art, i want people to think of me that way” a friend said to me the other day. it stuck with me.
i represent my art with great pride, this is who i am. this is what Allah made me, an artist.
but what else is part of my reputation? people always tell me i love deeply, more than what they’ve seen in commonfolk.
i drive now (lets not discuss how long it took me to get my license) anyways chile
i drive now and i spend a lot of time in my car just thinking and thinking. i went to my cousins house last night, none of my sisters were with me, it was just me and when it came time to head home i just sat in my cousins basement and was chillin. i knew i had to go home but i was in no rush, just straight chillin. and i realized because my sister yumnah always drove us everywhere there was a sense of urgency. she doesn’t wait for the song to finish before we exit the car and when its time to leave, its time to leave. but me? im the complete opposite. and now i have something on wheels that invites an infinite time to just sit by myself. and girl do i sit. man oh man.
what is going on? i think im sad? i say i think cuz sometimes im so damn happy and im like yeah this is what life is all about. but i can say with confidence the sadness i feel right now is not drowning me. i can swim in it and always keep my head above the surface. and thats a good thing right? it is. i know it is. i survived the hard part now its just about having tawakkul and continuing. but “continuing” itself sometimes gets hard.
ill be having a great day. ill be on a long drive and the sun is out, the ac is cold and i make sure to keep my eyes on the green light because if there’s anyone who would drive thru a red unnoticed, its me. and then i remember something from years ago. a moment in time that stitched itself to my heart and i realize im still carrying it with me all this time and that hurts me. i wish reader i could hold your hand as i tell you this because it feels like that would be the only way you could feel the sorrow in my eyes.
i want to be strong. im trying to find the balance between acknowledging my pain and still growing from it. but i think i just couldn’t do both yk. i went straight to growing. i picked myself up because i think i carried a lot of shame for being hurt in the first place. and i still live with my shame. which is something i only realize when a friend tells me “what you went thru was hard, its okay to be sad.” because my subconscious needs to be validated that damn i lowkey went thru some bad shi.
i think i also didn’t want God to be mad at me and the best way to stay in his good graces was to do better. i know i sometimes view my relationship with God as black and white and its not like that. But, all of the sudden it just became about being better in every way. don’t be depressed make sure u get out of bed. remember the good things in life. read more Quran. learn about Islam. less music. no gossiping. now we will focus on handling my pcos. and go to the dentist. and eat healthier. and not fight with your dad. and focus on your art. post your art. art and more art. oh you cant find a job? not only did u waste 4 years in undergrad but now you cant even use ur useless degree! but hey keep applying because a rejection email is the most regular thing now. all you could do is try and leave the rest to god. oh but your sad? you dont trust god? you have a roof over ur head and you have the gall to be sad? and now cook more chicken because you need an absurd amount of protein for your pcos and ignore it when you keep getting reminded of your weight by random people! and keep trying everything all the time all at once.
and none of these are bad things, in fact im proud i am trying to do all this.
but sometimes ill be driving and it almost feels like the wind changes direction and decides its time to mock me and im reminded of the past. i dont miss it, i think maybe i miss the woman i was? i miss the way my heart just felt lighter. and quite frankly i feel bad for myself. why do i feel so much shame in admitting that? why cant i just be.
if i feel bad for myself i feel like im being ungrateful and i dont want god to think im ungrateful. so i keep it pushing. i dont cry. i read my quran and my prayers and try to wear my hijab tighter and i try to have taqwa.
i think the emotion i feel is shame. and i feel shameful for even feeling shame because no one is making me feel that way, just myself. i dont know what to do honestly. there’s nothing i can do except make it to the next day. and its weird, at least now im enjoying my life yk. if you see me smiling know that my smile IS genuine and that im not faking it thru the pain. but i also carry my pain with me. are other people like that? idk man.
emphasis on the idk what to do yk. im deadass just trying to do what i know and thats majority action based. i work out. i cook my rubber chicken TYPE SHI. i try to increase my knowledge of islam and now i even try to wake up earlier (the world is ending). and i know in the long run these actions will and are helping me emotionally. emotional healing doesn’t have to be just internal yk. but sometimes ill get sad and i realize oml i am gonna have to just deal with this. no one is going to come into my life and open up my brain and take a chunk of my memories away. and i wish they would. this all feels like a stain on my soul and it makes me miss who i was. 19 years old. nothing was the same after. im mourning who i was and i feel shame for it.
damn. that is exactly it. i am mourning who i was an i feel shame for it. i blame myself for everything. i should’ve been smarter. i should’ve been a better muslim. no excuses. as i type this i realize ive become what i hate the most, a firm unforgiving person. i have a reputation for loving so deeply yet at every damn turn im being a piece of shit to myself. yay!
im grateful to be surrounded by loving people. people that make dua for me. people that remind me to not eat a sugary cookie. and people that acknowledge what i went through. so i feel so ungrateful for saying i feel lonely. its dumb but i think i just want to be held. i am incapable of holding myself without blaming myself so i think i wish someone could do that for me. and sometimes when i think someone’s capable of holding my hand they leave or its the wrong time and thats okay. its no ones responsibility and i know Gods going to make sure im alone so i lean on him and only him.
its sucks to admit but i want to turn cold. i want to not write and i want to just not care. my whole life i was confused by people who chose to be cold in a cold world and now i get it. it just is what is is and it makes me hate everything. and reader you probably read this and think damn shes depressed or insane or something and its funny because i am happy too. i have consistent good days. notice how i said the wind changes direction and THEN mocks me, nothing in my day starts bad or ends bad. its just little moments here and there.
maybe i feel like i can erase the pain of my past by changing who i am now.
bushra be less kind. bushra dont trust people you dont know who they are. bushra you know theyre gonna leave so dont try. bushra youre stupid and you see too much good in people so their betrayal is your fault. you shouldve seen it sooner.
chat shes lowkey evil LMAO
but its funny cuz i know ill never become this way and i think that pisses me off even more. i know ill continue to love people like its my last day on earth cuz it very well can be. i know i still trust people and will continue to do so. i cant change and i refuse to change because of some storm from my past. but the want is there. the acknowledgment of “this hurt me so bad it makes me want to change myself” exists. and that hurts me. i know im mean to myself. but i really do love myself. i love the type of person i am to other people, and knowing i went thru something that makes me want to change that, it makes me sad. i didn’t deserve that. i didnt deserve that.
i know someone will hold me someday inshAllah. and in the mean time i just have to keep doing what im doing. that’s truly all i can do. i just make so much dua it pays off.
im still living and if i feel shame for no reason, i should acknowledge i have a lot to be proud of myself for. and im here im living and i am telling my tale. i lived to tell the tale.
i know my lack of empathy towards myself hurts so much because im not like that to anyone else. im turning 23 and im tired of being so mean to myself. i admit it, i genuinely dont know how to stop. i feel like when people hear that they think im insecure. i am very far from feeling insecure, i am not burdened by others perception of me, i love being the center of attention but maybe its who i am behind the curtain? who i am when i am completely alone? there’s some disconnect happening within me. my whole life ive blamed myself for feeling deeply and at the same time i love how deeply i feel. the battle within me kills me. but i will continue to cook my rubber chicken. somedays are harder than others. other days aren’t hard at all. and i know i just have to continue, i have too much to lose if i stop now. i didnt go thru all that to just go thru it. my name is bushra khan and i am a work in progress. and i am the greatest master piece i will work on for the rest of my life. and its okay. i accept all of it. the good the bad. i accept all of it.